Counting by Ones
by Peppermintee
Summary: A collection of stupid little ficlets too insignificant to stand on their own. [Currently LJ]
1. Green Like Me

**A/N: **A little L/J ficlet. Kinda strange, kinda cute, kinda like a parody… but mostly, kinda short. So I decided that it didn't deserve to be a story of its own, and instead must be here, in my collection of its own kind.

**Disclaimer: **No. (Hopefully this disclaimer will be enough for the entire collection. They're so hard to make interesting!)

* * *

**Green Like Me**

Not to be clichéd or anything, but he liked to watch her.

…Actually, he liked watching a lot of things - she was just a nicer version of it all.

He watched her eat (_goodlordthatisoneluckybrusselsproutscrambledeggblueberrymuffin),_ he watched her work (_goodlordthatisoneluckyquilloneluckyfootofparchment)_, he watched her walk to class (_goodlordthatisonedamnluckypairofshoes), _and in his dreams, he watched himself watching her… (_goodlordthatisoneluckyshowerspout)._

God forbid anyone all him, you know, obsessed.

Today, he watched her walk to class and marveled at her eyes. Green like… no he refused to call them emeralds, because that was what everyone else called them. And eyes like those deserved more than just one description. Especially from someone as learned and brilliant as himself.

Her eyes were green… green like frozen peas floating in a sea of jelly-like substance. No, that wasn't quite it. Green, like a clump of fertilized grass (of the dog pee variety, of course). No, that one didn't have such a good ring to it. Green… like that little inchworm crawling up his arm…

"AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

He watched as everyone in the vicinity turned from their previous activity and stared at him (_geezthesepeoplereallyneedtogetliveslikeme). _

"What?"

He'd stick with emerald eyes… for now.

As she turned towards him, he watched the little hearts dancing in front of his eyes, and decided to suavely lean back against the column behind him depicting the 1743 attack of the munching grimsporgs (_justcrossmyarmsandputonthatirresistiblesmileofmine)_…

THUMP

"OUCH!"

Whoops. Wrong corridor. That particular column was two floors down. Darn it.

"Are you… alright?"

Oh. Well, he could compromise _(whatcanisayimaverysensibleflexibleperson)._

He looked up at her from the ground with a charming smile he knew she could help but fall for.

"Why yes, Lily, my darling sweetness, it's quite nice here."

And really, this seemed like the opportune time to grab her ankle. Merlin knew when he'd have another chance like this…

_(waitaseconddarlingyoumightwannarethinkthepositionofthatfootofyours…)_

"OOF! OWWWW…."

And as he lay there in a fetal position moaning in anguish as onlookers gathered around as spectators to this not uncommon sight, James Potter knew he was in love _(iminlove)_.


	2. To Canada, With Love

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Nuh-uh. Nada.

**A/N: **Since I hate slash so much, I decided to make fun of one. This one, in particular. Enjoy, or, if you will, hate me for hating slash. Oh, and I really don't mean any offense to Canada. I love it, really I do, and I wouldn't know if the polar bear thing affects humans… so… bear with me (seriously, no pun intended 0o) and let's not go there.

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**To Canada, With Love.**

"I love you so much Harry," whispered Snape wispily as he lit a Grindylow-scented candle. After all, Grindylows were rumoured to be aphrodisiacs. What with them being little naked men with horns and all.

Harry had been, until then, lost in the dark depth of his black, mysterious, slightly greasy… hair. He blushed like a girl.

"I love you too…" he crooned. "Mmmm… is that Grindylow? I heard they were aphrodisiacs. You know…"

Then, he suddenly had a craving for seaweed flavoured ice cream.

"… I have a craving for seaweed flavoured ice cream," he informed Snape.

"A craving? A craving!" Snape squealed excitedly. "Do you know what that means?"

"We're gonna be daddies!" they shrieked, and body slammed each other in the air.

"Careful!" cried Snape. It might be bad for Snarry Jr!"

"Hmmm… I never thought of that," Harry murmured. "I should probably stop smelling permanent markers too, shouldn't I?"

"Well, you gotta pay a price..."

* * *

"You know, I should have clued in when I didn't get my period all month…" Harry mused thoughtfully.

"Honey, you never get that anyways."

"Oh. That too."

Then he beamed. "I'm just so thrilled! Imagine, Mini Snarry Jr. is right here in my uterus…"

He furrowed his brows in confusion. "You know, I don't quite remember ever having a uterus before…"

"It's probably growing in you gall bladder," Snape offered helpfully, nodding knowingly.

Harry gasped as realization dawned. "So THAT explains the burning sensation when I pee!"

"OR, that could just be a side effect of your marker sniffing."

He nodded. "Right."

* * *

The next day, Harry had another Sudden Revelation and he was flipping through his annual subscription of "Brides".

"I've got another Sudden Revelation SR for short!!" he exclaimed tearfully. "Our baby is ruined!"

"Oh no!" gasped Snape. "Have you found where I've hidden all your markers? What if Snarry comes out mutated? With you looks?"

"Hey!" Harry cried indignantly. Then he blinked, and forgot why he was upset. Luckily, he remembered why he was hysterical.

"We've alienated him Sevvie! We aren't married and we're pregnant! They're all going to call him the kid with daddies-"

"-which isn't weird at all-"

"-who had him out of WEDLOCK!"

There was a stunned silence. Then –

"Marry me, Harry!" Snaped croaked out throatily. "I've known you were the one ever since you ordered that subscription of "Brides" like a completely normal and not-scary man!"

"Oh Sevvie! Yes! Yes! 1000 times yes!" Harry wept lovingly. "I never even meant to subtly hint at you by ordering my magazine while you were looking asking you if you thought I'd make a beautiful blushing bride!"

He paused. "How legal is it exactly for us to get married anyways?"

"Well… I heard Canada is very welcoming of gay people," replied Snape. "Very supportive, you see. They even offered to adopt Tony Blair for his infatuation with George W. Bush!"

"I hear they have a beautiful autumn…" Harry murmured dreamily.

"I hear that pollution and global warming are shrinking their polar bears' genitals," Snape added. "…Wait a second…"

"…Well, as long as it only applies to polar bears…"

"It might not."

"…"

"You know, I think that if Snarry Jr. is half as bright as either of us, he won't mind being illegitimate."

"No, he won't."

"So it's settled; we're not moving to Canada."

"I'm fine with that."


End file.
